Family

The truth about all our families, and the lie of "pro-family" leaders ...

This time of year is a busy one for me and my family. My kids have birthdays within three weeks of each other, in late September and early October, plus my dad, mother-in-law, and grandma all have birthdays within the same few weeks. This year, my uncle happened to be in town from California, so he joined the family party, and my husband and I made the dubious decision to host eight tween boys for a sleepover birthday, on the same day when my in-laws were in town from Missouri, I led worship that morning, and both sets of parents attended multiple flag football games for our kids.

Today, about 36 hours removed from the sleepless night of the rambunctious sleepover (side note: my husband and I were trying to decide which was preferable, nights up with a screaming infant, or a night up with eight screaming and wrestling boys, 10 including our two. We didn’t reach a solid conclusion), it was finally back to school - but I spent most of my morning picking up from the party, then taking my oldest for an annual doctor appointment and birthday lunch, and buying class treats.

They say that time and effort put into family relationships and parenting in general is among the most rewarding, and that’s probably true, but there’s also something to be said for the sense of accomplishment that comes from finishing an important task at work, spending an afternoon learning with coworkers and peers; not to mention that joy and stress relief of walking or biking outside on a crisp fall day, or drinking hot coffee with a friend in a trendy city cafe.

Multiple studies, perhaps hastened by the chaos of pandemic-related parenting, have recently come out documenting the apparent disconnect between the conventional wisdom that says being a parent adds to life satisfaction, and the discouraging truth that parents are shown to have less daily joy and more daily stress than non-parents.

I don’t think I really remember what it was like to wake up in the morning, walk out into the kitchen, and not automatically spend 10-15 minutes wiping up crumbs and nagging kids to brush their teeth and pick up their socks, but I imagine it probably was less stressful.

Still, today I got to sit outside on metal chairs in front of the grocery store and stare at my oldest son’s face while he ate what he said were “the best mashed potatoes and gravy ever,” and I remembered dozing with him as a baby on that big green couch in our 1-bedroom apartment in the East Bay - and the poignancy of that bond and love feels pretty hard to express, too.

All that being said, I decided today that I should write about family: what it is, what it isn’t, and what happens when we get it mixed up.

Leo Tolstoy begins Anna Karenina by writing: “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way,” but as a mom, daughter, and pastor who has spent years working with all kinds of different families, I think I’d quibble with the notion that it’s so simple to classify families as being happy or unhappy.

Families simply are, a fact of each of our existence, though I would say none are quite the same.

It’s much easier to talk about your family, maybe, if your family fits into some sort of culturally acceptable box: if you have a large extended family who all lives nearby; if you grew up with your biological parents and your mom was a stay-at-home mom; if you have lots of close siblings; if you have things like family traditions of obnoxious holiday games and special ethnic foods.

But I think a lot of that is a misnomer, too, because the one truth I have found about families is that all families have secrets, and often the ones that look the most conventional and/or wholesome on the outside are plagued internally by the most pernicious sins. Don’t even get me started on those families who have marketed their families so successfully as to turn them into profitable business entities on reality TV or social media, only to crumble under a facade of perfection.

It strikes me that many of us, women and mothers in particular, spend a lot of time comparing ourselves to some kind of externally imposed "perfect family” standard, without ever wondering who created the idea of the “perfect family” in the first place.

While conservative Christians and their marketers/prominent organizations have been among the loudest advocates of “traditional” (read: white, middle-class, heterosexual and patriarchal-led) families, the idea of the “perfect family” certainly didn’t come from the Bible. Jesus was not the biological child of his father, Joseph, and we don’t hear much about his relationship with his siblings or his extended family, though unrelated elders figured prominently in his early life.

The Bible is full of stories of “alternative” families: friends and fishermen who lived together; extended families and siblings together under one roof; single mother-led families; blended families; estranged families — even fratricide in its earliest pages.

In fact, the Bible does not even use the word “family” in the aspirational way we often do today, such as when celebrities or scorned businessmen or athletes will turn to the phrase “focusing on my family,” to explain an otherwise suspicious resignation or career change.

Instead, in the Hebrew Bible the word “family” appears most often as a translation of “household,” referring both to biological descendants and to those living together, related or not.

In the New Testament Greek, “family” is translated most often from words relating to ancestors and descendants, a term of inheritance or genealogy rather than biology and responsibility.

The Bible does not, as we so often do today, tie family to the cultural expectations of marriage; nor does it place responsibility for the familial relationships and culture so squarely on the shoulders of mothers. Indeed, modern conservative Christian understanding of family runs closer to LDS theology, which deifies the family and speaks of eternal marriages.

When I think about my life, as a 37-year-old woman, wife, and mother of two; I often come to the same conclusion that perhaps many of you do as well: “my family is the most important thing to me.” I spend an inordinate amount of time and effort on my closest family relationships: my marriage, my kids, my parents, my younger brother and his family — extending out into my grandma, aunts and uncles, cousins (of whom I have more than 20!)

But when I really break down that statement, about “family” being the “most important” thing, it leads me some interesting directions. This is not a zero-sum game. Sometimes I will make choices that prioritize my work or my vocation as a writer and minister above my family responsibilities. Sometimes I will have to prioritize my own personal health and wellbeing. Sometimes I will spend more energy caring for those whom I love who are not biologically related to me.

Life is complicated, right? I think what I actually mean when I talk about important things in my life is that relationships are really important to me: grounded in trust and love. I would hope the same is true for my husband; for my kids and close family members, and for my loved ones who aren’t among my relations.

Family is tender. It’s close. It forms us in childhood, and sometimes those memories are sources of great pain or even abuse and neglect. Sometimes trust was broken; secrets revealed; mistakes made. We have family addictions, family illnesses, family pain, family stories - in addition to family traditions, family memories, family recipes, family vacations.

In these times of political peril, threats to democracy, and rising tides of ethnic and racial hatred, family that was once comforting can become confusing or alien. Dialogue seems hopeless. We read about college kids worrying about going home for Thanksgiving after big elections; about children having to report their parents to the police after the Jan. 6 insurrection.

And “family” is often in the news, especially political news. Recently, the first-ever woman was elected prime minister of Italy. Giorgia Meloni, leader of the far-right Brothers of Italy party, has defined herself often according to her role in her family as a “mother” and a “Christian.” She says she is “pro-family,” in the same way that conservative American politicians often use the same phrase.

But what does it actually mean to say you are “pro-family?” As I stated above, families are morally neutral. They are not inherently bad or good; happy or unhappy. They simply are. They exist, by reason of biology or sometimes, by choice.

Instead, what Meloni most likely means is that she is “pro” a particular type of family: white, middle-class, conservative Christian, heterosexual, and patriarchal. Ironically, the ideology she champions about traditional male leadership, if implemented broadly, would mean that Meloni herself would never have the opportunity to run for political office. You do not hear Meloni talking about raising the salaries of childcare workers or extending maternity leaves; or improving funding for public education and anti-poverty measures (higher percentages of children live in poverty than middle-aged people).

Meloni’s championing of “family” is notable not for who it includes or assists but for who it excludes. With her support for hardline immigration and border policies in Italy, she is certainly not “pro refugee families” or “pro migrant families.”

If loving and trusting relationships are what make families a source for good in the world, then politicians who actually want to support families would be supporting policies undergirded by love and truth toward humanity in general.

Family was also in the news in Cuba this past week, where a new family law code was passed, including rights for same-sex couples, children, and grandparents, despite vehement opposition from Evangelical groups.

I’ve always found it confusing - and revealing - that conservative groups who supposedly champion families and parents are so resistant to the idea of gay marriage and gay couples raising children. Same-sex couples who desire to marry and have children are desiring to participate in the same “conservative” social structures that these political groups supposedly champion. If their concern was really to strengthen the social fabric, wouldn’t that be done more effectively by couples who love one another raising children who they also love; rather than forcing LGBTQ people into loveless marriages with people of the opposite sex?

Or how about the common case I know of in conservative Christian marriages, which find themselves ill-fitting into the strictures of patriarchal life? Some husbands simply aren’t good at balancing finances or making money, while some (many) wives are financial whizzes with career aspirations. Conservative patriarchal doctrine forces these couples to play against type, causing resentment and discontent on both sides. And why should it matter who takes the lead in the workplace and who takes the lead at home, if families’ positive impact is based only on the love and trust they engender?

Anyway. My family isn’t perfect. My extended family has its painful stories and memories. And at the same time, I couldn’t have been prouder to note that my most recent book launch event included my husband, my parents, my kids, my aunt and uncle, and several cousins/second cousins/cousins twice removed/people who I know are related to me by blood but I’m not exactly sure quite how we are related. These things happen in Catholic families with lots and lots of kids and cousins, and it doesn’t really matter to me how we are related or the intricacies of our twisted family tree. I’m proud that both my grandma and my step-grandma (both in their 90s) occasionally read this newsletter and are active on social media. And one of my best moments this past week was when my nephew in Texas blew me a kiss via FaceTime.

Sometimes as mom I feel like I am somehow the keeper of the family: that I hold it together in a unique and special way, though maybe that’s just the lie the boys in my family have told me to make sure I keep doing their laundry. It’s similar to the way sometimes (erroneously) that pastors feel we are the keepers of our churches, holding them together in a unique and special way.

But none of that is true. Moms aren’t responsible for families just as pastors aren’t responsible for church relationships. We’re all held together by love, trust, and some sticky tacky glue of forgiveness and repentance and reconciliation.

So don’t tell me you’re “pro-family,” but do show me how you love the world and tell the truth.

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